Wednesday, 13 September 2017

The Need for Honesty.

132.

Sooooooo maybe I should explain...

My last post was written on a down day, quite a heavy down day so like usual I vented my feelings the only way I know how, and post 131 was created...

I wrote that post 12 weeks after giving birth. 12 weeks of tiredness, stress and the creeping feeling of loneliness. I don't want you to think this is a cop out but I was very VERY hormonal. I still had not had the reoccurrence of the ol friend, lady time, so I think my body was screaming for it to happen just so it could breathe a sigh of relief.

To which since, it has WOOHOO! I finally feel like a normal human being again instead of the ball of mood swings and uncontrollable anger walking around the place. 

I would just like to say a thank you to those who sent me messages asking if I was okay, I am fine and dandy, just a tad over dramatic sometimes haha 

I'd just like to say though that being a new mum can be a lonely job. All your friends are working and you don't have your partner there and the days can feel very long. Baby groups are great but if you're like me and overthink everything, I find them quite daunting. Everybody looks like they have it together, I find myself questioning everything. I only feel these things because I find it quite hard to socialise with complete strangers, I have the ladies I met at antenatal classes who are lovely and we talk about pretty much everything which is GREAT! But I just don't have that confidence yet to go to a baby group or class without them. (I haven't told them that though. So if you're reading *waves* expect me to cling onto you for a while) 

What I like about them, amongst many things is there's no sugar coating. I moan about my husband...a lot, we ask each other questions about baby poop and what they are like! We just talk about it all! And being honest is what we need! When things are sugar coated you worry, you think 'why isn't it like that for me?' But every single mum and dad out there has something that another parent doesn't, it's totally and utterly normal. It's no competition. All babies meet their milestones, just at different times. 

It's just nice to hear that someone has the same thoughts and questions as you. It confirms the normality of it all.

So in light of the previous post, I promise I am good and happy, I'm learning new things everyday and slowly trying to build my confidence. 


Much love
Beth xx


Thursday, 31 August 2017

It's Okay To Admit There's Struggles!

131.

I really want to write about some struggles I'm facing right now being a new mummy but I don't want to come across miserable alllllll the time because I love being a mum! Do I stay honest and true and just write what I feel or sugar coat the tough stuff and act like it's all okay???

😕

Sod it!!

Now whether this is a hormonal thing or if it's something deeper, the truth is, I am struggling! I've wrote before about wanting a best friend etc but it feels like it's more than that now, I feel, alone!

I felt alright for the first few weeks, you are in that new baby bubble, lots of people come to visit and it's all round love but then, like now, there's none of that. This isn't about attention, people work, life is a continuous thing, I guess it's just highlighted my aloneness, my worries and anxieties about everything.

I took baby girl for a walk around in her pram this morning and I just kept thinking to myself 'my god I'm so alone' even when I'm with people I feel it. I feel like I can't string any thoughts together that aren't baby related. Then I feel bad because people don't wanna hear about babies all the time...hmm ironic 😂

There's stupid stuff like even tho I've changed her nappy in the tiniest of toilets on the floor I absolutely dread the thought she'll poop in public! SHES A BABY that's what they do, especially Millie, she shits all the time 😂 I over think that if she cries people will think I can't manage, I get hot and sweaty overthinking about strangers rather than a crying baby. BRAIN URGH.

I darent use public transport and I'm too frightened to drive so I feel stuck! Adding to the aloneness that's overwhelming at the moment.

I've been trying to brush off this feeling for a while now, I devour chocolate to make myself feel better but then ultimately feel worse because ya know, fat! It's like my brain won't allow me to enjoy it all. I love my little girl like you wouldn't believe! When she smiles at me, my god I can't explain it! When she chatters away to me in her baby talk I just melt! It's amazing! But this is hard!

I have a heart that wants to love everyone and be friends with everyone and I have a brain that just makes me feel sad. And I feel ashamed that I feel this way! I'm judging myself for it, I don't want anyone to judge me because of it.

...and breathe!

Sunday, 27 August 2017

Relationships Can Be Difficult Sometimes

130.

Ironically I'm writing this on mine and my husbands 9 year anniversary (from first going out not marriage) 

Relationships are difficult, marriage can be difficult and after a baby, more so. This will be quite honest in places which I'm sure will piss Rob off to no end but look, this is my outlet. 

We have never argued so much in our whole 9 years like we have in the past 10 weeks! Our baby girl is our absolute WORLD but yes it has been hard on us! You never get told really that there might be a strain after a baby is born in a relationship, I pictured it to be all wonderful and bliss and the three of us just so in love all the time. I'm not saying I'm not in love all the time! Of course I am! However, what isn't ever mentioned is how tiredness and hormones and emotions can cause absolute tidal waves! 

It's so daunting coming home with this little person you have only ever imagined in your mind. All of a sudden they are there, needing you to keep them alive and well and happy! PRESSURE! They become your ultimate priority. So because of that I think for the man, partner, significant other, they can feel pushed out, they are now in second position for that priority role. When before that wasn't the case. Which wrongfully or rightly causes a bit of strain.

Hormones! The carrier of that baby has got a lot of hormone correcting to do which is so much fun...not! One minute you're extremely over joyed, the next extremely overwhelmed, smiling then crying, chatty then silent, calm then a wave of rage hits. It's horrible to go through and it's horrible for the people in the firing line, again it causes a strain. And although you know it's hormones and stuff you just can't help the mood swings, the crying at nothing, the complete irrational mindset you somehow can get yourself into. It just happens and before you know it you and your partner are no longer speaking, you know it's your fault but you're too stubborn to admit it. ANNOYING.

Tiredness! Never EVER underestimate the powers of tiredness, actually I'll just say it, exhaustion! The getting up multiple times in the night, the always having stuff to get done during the day. When people say 'sleep when the baby sleeps' no! You just can't! There's bottles to wash, cleaning of a kitchen to do, clothes to put away, oh there's food that you must eat or it'll be hours until the next opportunity and as well as those, peeing! So when you are alone all day with a tiny beautiful baby, the tiredness builds and builds. Which in my case causes copious amounts of anger. (I've always been an angry tired person, it's now just 10 times worse) 

A few weeks ago the words 'what do you do all day?' Got asked by the husband! When I told him he then said 'well if you did do all those things, then nothing would need doing when I get home' I hope you can maybe understand why I may have got a tad angry at that...

I understand that he works all day, but I am as well, yeah maybe not at my office job, but at home raising our baby girl, worrying about her constantly, and trying my best at everything I manage to do. He may not see some physical jobs being done but knowing I've been alone all day trying to be the best mum I can be, I feel that should be appreciated a bit more. 

So this brings me to the emotions! When you are at home, on your own with your baby, you have a lot of time to think. The hormones play with your mind and so does the tiredness and, well, basically everything can build up. You can feel totally and utterly, alone. All you want is for you other half to praise you when they get home, take the load off once they walk through the door, and ultimately to just appreciate you and your efforts.

Don't get me wrong, some people don't have it easy at all, some people only have themselves 24/7, and those people need all the appreciation and praise in the world as they are doing an amazing job!!!

Sometimes it can be difficult. And that is what no one prepares you for! 


Much love
Beth xx

P.S sorry Robby xx




Wednesday, 9 August 2017

What I've Learnt 8 Weeks In

129.

8 weeks in, what I've learnt.

1. Making plans becomes a thing of the past! Babies don't work to a time frame, oh no!! If you make a plan and say you'll be somewhere at a particular time, you can bet your arse you won't make it in time! They'll either need a feed or poo, or 9 times out of 10 BOTH. I think I said to my friend I'd meet her at 10am once, an hour later I arrived! Don't get me wrong they'll be those savvy folk out there who have no issues at all with this but me, if I say one time add a good 30-40 mins on top of it! 
2. Prioritising what to do. When your wonderful new born baby finally drifts off to sleep it's a toss up on what you do first. Is it eat, pee, shower, clean, sleep or just crash on the sofa and watch a bit of mindless tele to relax. I usually go with Nutella on toast, while the bread is toasting away the kettle is boiling and while that's happening setting up the tele with a recording I made a week a go. I do all of this while secretly hoping the baby stays asleep for long enough so I can at least eat my toast...she always wakes up, I'm sure she just knows and does it to spite me!! 
3. Food! This kinda links in with 2 but I'll carry on anyway. You develop the ability to eat cold food without a care. The other night we had steak...fancy! An hour later it was still sat next to me, a part of me thought oh f*** it I'll have toast, again, but the part that won was, I'm so ridiculously tired I'll just eat it anyway! It was pretty awful but it did the job of filling my belly! 
4. Sleep! Or shall I say, lack of. I have developed more of a relationship with 3am than I have with some of my own family! If I wasn't in the haze of exhaustion I'd maybe appreciate the sunrise a little more. While I'm awake feeding baby girl I look over to Rob, gob wide open fast asleep Rob and think...you lucky bastard! In all honestly it does feel special having that bit of time just chilling with your new best mate, even when they spew all down your bare legs, it's truly a beautiful time...
5. 10,000 steps, in pretty sure if I had a pedometer on me at all times I'd smash the 10,000 steps target! I'm quite amazed the carpet hasn't been worn away. Lord knows I've tried other things but the only way to get baby girl to sleep is to pace, back and forth while she screams and screams. Eventually she gives in and succumbs to sleep. I often think, why fight the beauty that is sleep, if nap times where offered to me my god I'd take them! It's quite funny doing the back and forth catwalk in the living room, it gets to a point where you risk sitting down, too soon the screams start again but if you time it right it's like a lottery win. It's like I can hear my back muscles going 'ahhhh thank you' 
6. Public nappy changes. It's what all of us dread, the poopy nappy in a public place! There's many fears that over come you when it happens. 1, do they have a baby changing facility, 2, is it explosive, 3, do I have a change of outfit. Yesterday, she pooped, in a small independent cafe. I knew my chances of a baby changing unit where slim but my friend asked anyway, my doubts were true, there was none so I had to go into the only tiny toilet they have, bare in mind I'm 6ft1 and a chunky 6ft1 at that, my knees and back are destroyed at the moment, but none the less I had to get in there, crouch down, toilet is eye level to my left, the door is pressed against me on the right and baby girl is on the floor (on a changing mat) ready for that fresh nappy. Oh the stress!! Safe to say I got a sweat on. But I did it! Woohoo!!!
7. The utter love and happiness that one tiny little being brings is beyond anything in this whole world!! Being a new parent is hard, it's harder than you could ever even try to imagine. You are in sole charge of this one person, they solely rely on you and you have zero clue where to start! It's a complete learning curve, to begin with it knocks your confidence, you question everything, you feel as if all eyes are on you but who cares if they are! At the end of the day you do your best no matter what anyone thinks. When that baby smiles at you it's like their way of saying thank you, when baby girl smiles at me when she looks at me it's like woah! She knows me, she loves me, she's happy! I'm doing something right! Even when I think I'm not. With one smile I can forgive the lack of sleep, food, showers, happy muscles. It's all totally worth it! 

All those things above you just have to laugh at. They are unavoidable. No matter how well people make out they have it with their new baby, it's all a lie. We all have no idea what we are doing, we all have the same problems and we all deal with them even when we think we don't. So I can proudly say I think I'm doing a good job, and for any new mummies, daddies or going to be newbies you are doing a fantastic job too! Let's all tackle the lifetime of stress, worry, puke, pee and poo together 😂 




Much love
Beth xx

Saturday, 29 July 2017

Sometimes...

128.

I just need a hug
I need to be told I'm doing a good job
For my eyes to be truly looked into
For my emotions to be felt

I need someone to talk too
Someone to laugh with 
Someone to cry too
Someone to be silent with

I need a friend
I want to be wanted
I want to be appreciated 
I want to be loved 

Having a baby is the most amazing life experience to be blessed with but it's highlighted how lonely I am. It's highlighted the lack of friendships I have. I'd love to be classed as someone's best friend. Every one I've had has never lasted very long. Sometimes it's been me, at times it hasn't, it's just ended. 

I've lost confidence with friendships. Do I give my all to be hurt in the future? Or do I keep a distance and forever have a longing for them? 




Much love from a hormonal, feeling sorry for herself, over tired,
Beth xx

Sunday, 9 July 2017

What The Hell Is Wrong With Me??

127.

Now, this isn't a feeling sorry for myself post (although depending how it goes it may seem that way) or a post to make you feel sorry for me. This is a what the fuck is going on with my hormones type of post!!

I am angry, like all the time angry. I know it's tiredness related because I am a total bitch when I'm tired. Anyone who knows me well knows that's the truth. So at the moment this bitch side of me is no longer a side, it's a full on overhaul! 

I'm thinking that hormones is probably a big factor in this too to be honest. Let me tell you why...

Not only am I angry all the time, I'm also having a battle with jealousy. 

This is going to sound so bonkers and ridiculous I can already hear your laughter, however. Our baby girl Millie is Robs double, literally his twin! Eyes, nose, mouth even the shape of her forehead is all Rob, this makes me green with jealousy. When I was pregnant I stupidly thought she would look like me and my side of the family because it's a strong gene but nope, that hasn't happened. Don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with her looking like Rob, she's beautiful. But to me I so desperately wanted her to represent the Aboe side because of my dad. Because he's passed away he obviously will never meet her, and because I miss him so much I really wanted her to have a glimpse of him. Which sadly, she doesn't right now. Selfish really isn't it? 

I get so jealous when people comment on how much she looks like Rob, I've stupidly cried over it numerous times. Urgh HORMONES. 

Has anyone else experienced this feeling after giving birth? Or am I just a fruit loop? 

I'm also stupidly jealous that Rob sleeps at night time. It's only right for me to do the feeds because he's working but my god, during the middle of the night whilst I'm feeding Millie feeling as though I need to hold my eyes open, I look over at Rob to see him happily in dreamland I want to deliberately wake him up just so he can feel the exhaustion I'm feeling in that very moment. Selfish again, I know. 

Again has anyone else felt this??

I know that soon Millie will hopefully have longer periods of sleep during the night and may eventually drop her night feed and when that time comes I'll probably have something new to complain about but sheesh, I'd love a solid 5 hours right now! 

So in conclusion, the tiredness makes me angry all the time, it also makes me ridiculously jealous over stupid things which then in turn makes me more angry. And I'm angry at myself for feeling this way. Hormones?? I think so, they are a raging bastard! 



Goooooodnight
Beth x 

Monday, 3 July 2017

Oh, Sleep

126.

Oh 3:30 in the morning, I'm getting used to meeting you everyday. A time I never thought I'd be very fond of in all honestly. Actually I'm not over enthralled to see you most days, i'd much rather be basking in the vast variety of my dreamland imagination. But it's just not meant to be right now.

Instead I lie here on my bed trying desperately to settle my baby on my chest so that she can sleep for another 3 hours but more importantly, so I can sleep another 3 hours. Problem is, like now I'm being tricked into believing she has fallen asleep but I know as soon as I go to move this beautiful bean of life I've created, she'll be wide awake chatting to herself in her native baby language making it totally impossible for me to catch those much needed 3 hours! 

Although in my mind I'm wishing I was in the position my husband is in right now, fast asleep, I do enjoy this quiet time me and the little one have together. Where she feels like she's hugging me as she's starfished across my torso. I can see that the sun is starting to rise through our bedroom blinds, so I don't feel so alone because it feels like other humans will be awake right now too. That might sound odd but when it's pitch black everywhere, it feels very lonely to me. As though you are the only person awake, when actually there's so many others doing the exact same thing as me right now. But again, don't get me wrong, I'd much rather be seeing the darkness of the insides of my eyelids right now! 

The tiredness is a shocker I have to admit! I knew I'd be tired because I wasn't getting a full nights sleep in the last stage of pregnancy but crikey! I feel like the walking dead! People LIE when they say that the lack of sleep before the baby arrives is 'your body getting prepared' no, no! It's a mean game that's what it is. I still feel as if I'm trying to catch up on the sleep I lacked so much before baby even got here. Sadly I know the reality is I'll be forever catching up now. Dark lines under my eyes has become a fashion statement I'm learning to embrace. Because trust me, no amount of concealer is concealing them! 

On more of a serious note, I'm shocked at how low the tiredness is making me feel. I feel like I haven't laughed in days, I'm just a ball of worry and self doubt. I'm overly critical of myself and I question my capability of being a first time mum. I put it all down to how tired I am. I know it's such a first world problem, feeling down and tired, I shouldn't gripe about it but I am feeling a bit shitty about myself. 

It's 4:00am now. There's enough light outside now to warrant me not needing my bedside light on anymore and I believe the little bundle is well and truly k.o'd now so my 3 hours are calling my name! 

Although the tiredness is having a slight negative effect on my brain at the moment, I'll stay awake for as long as this little one needs me too. Yes I will moan and groan whilst doing so, but that's love I guess.



Much love
Beth x