Bethlett .

55. I put my make up on to face the day But deep down I just want to hide away I smile to hide my frown But look in my eyes and you'll see I'm down I'll continue to laugh along But it inside feels wrong I'll join in conversation But my mind is full of confusion I want to feel like myself But something is missing That sparkle has faded in oneself It feels like I'm drifting I hope soon the pain fades That pain won't go in a matter of days I must remember your smile It will carry me for awhile I know you'll be watching me now I hope I've made you proud You wouldn't want me to cry So I promise you I'll try You will never disappear As I will hold you near In my mind and in my heart We will never be apart Much love Beth xx

54. Hello my loves, you have followed me journey with my Dad for quite some time now. You my loves have been the ones I've expressed my feelings too when I've been struggling. You've been the ones I have tried to raise awareness with. You've been there for me when I've felt a bit lost. I updated you last week about my Dad and the fight he was continuing to fight even though it was becoming a bit too much of a battle to beat. It breaks my heart to tell you loves that my beautifully brave Dad lost his fight on Friday 13th February. I'm pretty devastated if I'm completely honest with you all. But I'm so immensely proud of his strength and courage, how he fought and boy did he fight , he was truly incredible.  Emotions come over me in waves, today I spent most of the day okay, just plodding along but tonight I've had a huge break down, crying seems to appear from no where. Today we cleared his room out at the home and it just didn't seem real.

53. Hello my loves... This may seem like a very strange time, some may think I shouldn't write at all right now but as I'm just sat here, waiting, I feel I should (plus I've been given permission from my sister Kellie and Rob) On Wednesday 4th February, which seems like a lifetime ago, I got a phone call to say things with Dad had took a turn and we all needed to get to the home as time was looking short. I can't explain the fear that was going through me. The panic was so strong I was physically shaking until i got to the home to see him.  I had no idea what to expect, what had happened or what was going to happen, I just had to go with it. I guess we all do when faced with these extremes.  I have to admit I was pretty shocked to see that once the sedation had worn off he was back to his smiley self, even dancing along to the music.  But we knew it was serious when they said he was now completely nill by mouth, no food, no liquid.  An influx of fa

52 . How exhausting must it be to choke everyday, How scary must it be to be faced with food, How frustrating must it be not to be understood, How lonely must it be when you have no voice, How worrying must it be when you have no immune system, How frightening must it be to fall over for no reason, How annoying must it be to feel an itch and not be able to scratch it, How draining must it be to feel weak all the time, How upsetting must it be to feel your freedom slowly slip away? They are so unbelievably strong when they go through all of this, They are so unbelievably brave. People become the strongest versions of themselves when faced with great difficulty,   People become incredibly connected when their surrounded by a great communi ty. Much love Beth xx