Bethlett .

109. I started my blog with the intention of building my self confidence, I wanted to put together a bucket list and slowly but surely cross each one off. I wanted to build myself up as a person, have stories to tell. It soon became apparent that my blog was destined for other things, I tried the popular blogger stuff of makeup tutorials etc but quite frankly, I'm much better putting makeup on rather than sitting and typing about my favourite products, it's much more fun that way. I soon realised the purpose of my blog was to give attention to the little voice in my head. The voice that over the years has hurt my confidence and self esteem. By giving it a platform I was able to release it all together. I now can see that I didn't need a bucket list to change me or build me back up, I just needed to quieten that voice by getting rid of it at dark times.  That being said, the darkest time so far, the illness and heartbreaking passing of my dear dad. Never would I

108. In a matter of hours we enter Sunday, no big deal. However in those few hours we enter Father's Day. For someone who no longer has a father it's going to be an upsetting day. Yeah I probably won't cry, I might only say a few words out loud about him but in my heart, my heart will be aching a little extra tomorrow.  Last year I remember being very jealous, I couldn't even look at the Father's Day cards that where displayed everywhere! And they were very hard to avoid because I work in a bloody supermarket!! This year, they haven't bothered me. I laughed to myself and my friend when I saw the last Father's Day card I got my dad. It was a giraffe that when you opened the card up its tongue stuck out haha makes me giggle just thinking about it. I remember it made him giggle too.  As the days, weeks and months go by I wonder about what actually happens when you pass away. I wonder if he can hear me and see me or if he picks and chooses who to vi

107. Do you ever feel like you're screaming but there's no noise? It's raining but no one gets wet? And everything happens at once but nothing happens at all?  You sit on the edge of your bed holding your head, your hands sometimes feel like the only thing keeping your head high. The rest of the body just wants to be like a pile of clothes on the floor messy and serving no purpose. But there.  Each day is your battle, winning is making it to bedtime. Each day fighting to survive. That's what life is isn't it? A fight? Sometimes against others but mainly against yourself? Yes?...No?  Your brain gets fuzzy, your body gets tense, your thoughts get chaotic, your voice is loud but as quiet as a mouse. Your mind is always catching up or racing far ahead. It never understands.  You feel like standing in a empty room and letting your body go mental, like those intense singers in bands who let it all go, sometimes...most times that's what you need to