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Showing posts from August, 2016

Reach out?

116. Today I'm feeling down, I'm not sure why, nothing has happened its just the feeling today has brought me. I wrote a post yesterday that I thought may make sense to someone but I feel like maybe it's come across wrong. Then as I was trying to fall to sleep I wrote another post because my mind wouldn't let me rest until I did. And today I've woke like this. All connected? Maybe so. Sometimes you just feel sad. I think today I'm allowing myself to feel certain emotions, I'm feeling grief and I'm feeling guilt. Grief for those who has passed, someone close passed recently and I only shed a few tears. I'm slowly realising that holding back tears for a long time is maybe making lose the ability all together. Of course that's not fully true, I can cry, I will cry but it seems that the moments I should cry a thousand tears I only cry a few.  Anyway I don't want to write about that stuff today. I just wanted to say I've set up an email,

Sleep

115. Sleep intrigues me. The thought of not waking up doesn't frighten me, I'd never even know. I imagine that would feel like a really long sleep anyway, so that thought never enters my mind. What gets me is while my mind is at rest and my body is so comfortable I no longer can feel it, their are still people wandering the streets. There are homes still full of life. The contrast couldn't be anymore different. My night of rest can be someone else's night of horror, and I would never know. Why is it that at what should be the most peaceful time of day the mind can be its most awake? Why in the quiet of the empty rooms around us, must our minds fill with words, thoughts, worries? Why can our minds keep us up for most of the night with subject matters that never enter our brains forefront during the day? Why is it at night, in the quiet, the dark, we become our most vulnerable?  It's currently 1:17am while I write this. What's the point? My mind won

Why I Fear Failure

114. I was inspired today, inspired by a video by a Youtuber called Tessa Violet. Her video featured another Youtuber, who I'm slowly becoming obsessed with called Dodie Clark. Both are beautiful musicians who I'd recommend highly to you all.  Anyway, they recently made a video together called 'why I don't get excited' on Tessa's channel and I watched it and so much of it resonated to me. I'd quite like you to just watch the video yourself rather than me explain it. It's not mine to explain.  One thing that stuck out was when Tessa says 'I refuse to feel excited about anything until it's happening' when she said this I thought 'wow, it's not just me who feels this way'...let me explain. I hate, okay hate is a strong word, I highly dislike allowing myself to get excited about plans, ideas etc because I feel like if I do they won't happen. Something will pop up and stop whatever it is before it's due to happ

A Change of Direction

113 . I'm not used to this... Used to this feeling of things going well. I'm not trying to be a pessimist I promise. I just think I'm programmed to question when things start to go well for a while. My brain freaks out waiting for something to go tits up or not to plan.  I guess, well I guess I should explain. I have always grown up and taught myself to expect the worst but secretly hope for the best. I've found when I've mentioned things before they happen they fail and I end up disappointed. This has been the case since I was little so, yeah, I guess I've  programmed myself this way now. Sorry!   As most of you know the last few years have been tough. Even this year started out rough. But somehow, the universe has changed things around for me. I've had a very good positive two months!!  The luck started to change by being involved in a national charity campaign for MND which led to me being featured in the local paper, then during that