I'm A Loner, But It's Okay

119.

From time to time I go quiet. I'm not purposely being rude or ignoring people I just go quiet. It's like I don't have the thoughts for a fluid conversation. I seem to become comfortable with no thoughts at all.

I would say I have always been a loner, this used to bother me but now I kinda enjoy it. I enjoy my own space, being silent for a while. It doesn't mean anything is wrong it just means I'm, well I don't know what it means really.

I guess I often fight a thought in my head that tells me relationships are difficult to maintain, too much work, when really they aren't at all. I'm very capable of keeping relationships going, that shows with Rob, family and a small handful of friends. I wonder if I think this because the longer someone sticks around for the less I can pretend I'm an outgoing funny person. Like I said I'm really quite quiet and I have a lot of deep thoughts.

I sometimes think that part of the reason is I'm the only person who fully gets me, understands my faults and I don't judge myself because of them. I guess sometimes we as individuals believe are are the only person we can rely on. That's true to an extent but we all have moments where we feel we've let ourselves down.

I will say that just because I enjoy my own company, because I am said loner that doesn't mean I don't get lonely from time to time. Of course I do. Sometimes I welcome the few hours alone when Rob goes and plays darts, other times I practically beg him to stay because I just want him there, even if we don't speak, he's around and that's comforting.

Why am I writing this? I have no idea. (I think I'm having a secret bout of wanting to be quiet)

Much love

Beth x

Contact - bethsblog90@gmail.com

Comments

This may upset you...

50. Hello my loves. WOW we've made it to the fiftieth blog post, if you're reading this one and you've read all of the ones before, thank you for sticking with me and my public diary entries. If you are new to my posts then Hello and welcome to my life, my little world of, well, I'm not to sure...this. I'm listening and watching Sia - Elastic Heart, I absolutely love this song and I love the video! It's so incredibly powerful , I watch it without knowing what it is that is keeping me so drawn to it (maybe Shia's body...) but seriously please go and watch it, don't read the comments of the video if it's the first time you're watching it and let me know what you believe it is portraying. I won't tell you what I believe because I don't want my view to alter what you may initially feel. I feel like it might be a good time to update you guys on my Dad. By the way, everything I write is solely my feelings and from my point of vie

In difficulty there is strength and laughter

53. Hello my loves... This may seem like a very strange time, some may think I shouldn't write at all right now but as I'm just sat here, waiting, I feel I should (plus I've been given permission from my sister Kellie and Rob) On Wednesday 4th February, which seems like a lifetime ago, I got a phone call to say things with Dad had took a turn and we all needed to get to the home as time was looking short. I can't explain the fear that was going through me. The panic was so strong I was physically shaking until i got to the home to see him. I had no idea what to expect, what had happened or what was going to happen, I just had to go with it. I guess we all do when faced with these extremes. I have to admit I was pretty shocked to see that once the sedation had worn off he was back to his smiley self, even dancing along to the music. But we knew it was serious when they said he was now completely nill by mouth, no food, no liquid. An influx of fa

Our story with MND so far..

6. These are my feelings and my thoughts, no one else's, just mine. In June 2013 my Dad was dealt the card of Motor Neurone Disease, a horrible disease. MND attacks the central nervous system and causes muscles to weaken and waste away. People with MND have to struggle everyday with activities that wouldn't have affected them before. It can be different with each person but sadly the outcome is always the same, there are no survivors, only true fighters! There is no cure... In some cases of MND the person can also have Frontotemporal Dementia. A less common form of dementia but nevertheless devastating. My Dad also has this... I first realised that something wasn't quite right around January 2013, my dad and I were sat in a cafe and he couldn't open a folded lottery ticket my exact words to him were "can't you use for hands or something" his reply was "no, my hand has got really weak" I asked him to make a fist with his right han

Bethlett .

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