126.
Oh 3:30 in the morning, I'm getting used to meeting you everyday. A time I never thought I'd be very fond of in all honestly. Actually I'm not over enthralled to see you most days, i'd much rather be basking in the vast variety of my dreamland imagination. But it's just not meant to be right now.
Instead I lie here on my bed trying desperately to settle my baby on my chest so that she can sleep for another 3 hours but more importantly, so I can sleep another 3 hours. Problem is, like now I'm being tricked into believing she has fallen asleep but I know as soon as I go to move this beautiful bean of life I've created, she'll be wide awake chatting to herself in her native baby language making it totally impossible for me to catch those much needed 3 hours!
Although in my mind I'm wishing I was in the position my husband is in right now, fast asleep, I do enjoy this quiet time me and the little one have together. Where she feels like she's hugging me as she's starfished across my torso. I can see that the sun is starting to rise through our bedroom blinds, so I don't feel so alone because it feels like other humans will be awake right now too. That might sound odd but when it's pitch black everywhere, it feels very lonely to me. As though you are the only person awake, when actually there's so many others doing the exact same thing as me right now. But again, don't get me wrong, I'd much rather be seeing the darkness of the insides of my eyelids right now!
The tiredness is a shocker I have to admit! I knew I'd be tired because I wasn't getting a full nights sleep in the last stage of pregnancy but crikey! I feel like the walking dead! People LIE when they say that the lack of sleep before the baby arrives is 'your body getting prepared' no, no! It's a mean game that's what it is. I still feel as if I'm trying to catch up on the sleep I lacked so much before baby even got here. Sadly I know the reality is I'll be forever catching up now. Dark lines under my eyes has become a fashion statement I'm learning to embrace. Because trust me, no amount of concealer is concealing them!
On more of a serious note, I'm shocked at how low the tiredness is making me feel. I feel like I haven't laughed in days, I'm just a ball of worry and self doubt. I'm overly critical of myself and I question my capability of being a first time mum. I put it all down to how tired I am. I know it's such a first world problem, feeling down and tired, I shouldn't gripe about it but I am feeling a bit shitty about myself.
It's 4:00am now. There's enough light outside now to warrant me not needing my bedside light on anymore and I believe the little bundle is well and truly k.o'd now so my 3 hours are calling my name!
Although the tiredness is having a slight negative effect on my brain at the moment, I'll stay awake for as long as this little one needs me too. Yes I will moan and groan whilst doing so, but that's love I guess.
Much love
Beth x
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